I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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