wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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