This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
