the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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