your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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