I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
