dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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