next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize