He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
