My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
