He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
