..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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