Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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