it wasn't lemon gatorade
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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