Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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