Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
