So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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