i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
