im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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