I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You pole danced in your parka.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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