I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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