I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
