Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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