youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
