Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
