Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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