I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
