proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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