my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
