me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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