I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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