i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
