Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
