U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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