are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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