I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
