I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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