Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
