just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
