Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
