and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
