apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
