Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
