At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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