She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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