The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
