Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Randomize
