I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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