Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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