I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
