My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
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