I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
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