It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
