Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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