My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
