I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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