oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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